I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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