our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Let's paint friendship bongs
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
