So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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