Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
