we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Farmville is her only friend.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
