got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
