Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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