i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
