turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
