Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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