Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
