I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
