No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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