Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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