I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
why is half of my head shaved?
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