I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
