You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
