I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
