Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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