So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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