Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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