worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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