He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
