i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
