haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
