really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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