I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
