Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
