I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
