My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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