God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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