so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
