i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
