I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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