I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
