At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
