I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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