There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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