Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
