ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
