who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
