i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
