Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
