Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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