would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
