My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
