Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
