At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
