Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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