he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
