Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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